Divorce Is Not The Plague

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I am divorced and single, however, some circles of friends or should I place them in the associates file, have made the piss poor false pretense that my social status will somehow negatively reflect on their relationships and happiness.  Let me clearly state that I passionately advocate for the power of love and relationships and in no form will ever try to encourage anyone to dissolve a relationship or marriage because I am single.  It makes my eye twitch when I am asked (on several occasions) to attend "certain" gatherings at the last minute as opposed to when the plans are actually made and when I am not invited to social events because I'm currently not arm in arm with a man.

The process of divorce is atrocious and I wouldn't wish it on the most vile of my enemies.  Individuals have been capricious to think that my character *pause* San, would not bounce back or love more.  These false assumptions make me feel some kind of way . . . they hurt, and beckon reflection. I've had time to think (the worst thing you can do is give me time *smirking*) and when I backtracked; situations, statements, and status updates add up and equal to nothing, but falsehoods and ignorant insolence. I know that my divorce was the best decision for me! My health, demeanor, smile, and spirit has positively reflected such.  What I did not expect, however, was the waiver of certain relationships.

I'm divorced, but I'm not plagued!

As favor continues to shower me with success in business and socially, please remember that my disposition has not changed, only the assumptions made have been proven irrevocable.  I figure if you can't rock with me post divorce, why the hell would I want you in my life as I progress in celebrating the good and living the lessons learned from my divorce. 

To those who have rocked with me throughout this entire process without the impromptu focus group on why MY marriage failed and conference calls to determine should we or shouldn't we invite her (don't forget to clear your lines "friends") . . . THANK YOU! You know who you are and I will never forget  the extent of your kindness. I am a woman of my word, consequence or reward.

To the women and men that have experienced divorce, ROCK ON and live your life with little to no qualms about why you do. You will have better than before and the bitter (wavering friendships, family ties, and associations) will no longer have the power to hurt you.    

Saluté, 

San, The Red Head

Don't Force It

Photo courtesy Shepherding the Home

Not all men and women are meant to be friends.  Many relationships at best are defined as associations, work related, or cordial candor.  Friendship is a luxury and must not be handled like you do your tooth brush…you know switching it out every couple of months or so.  The loyalty and heart of a friend should never be acquired out of convenience either.  I have had several years now to experience diverse personalities and demographics of friends.  Nothing like experience to teach you lessons that will stick with you throughout life.  

Here is my concern.  Sometimes friends of friends think that mingling all of their girlfriends together will produce this grand gesture of harmonious, drama free, lifelong acquaintances. Not exactly *blank stare*! Forcing a friendship onto someone is not only annoying, but sometimes it leaves you shining in a poor light.  Infringing connections and forcing them upon others is not only applicable to friendship, but also to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.  Nothing worse than…

-being in denial that your relationship with someone is over

-pushing to make something work with that “special someone” that is not willing to commit fully to you as you are to them

-wrestling emotionally with the “in your face” evidence and facts that a long-termed relationship or marriage involving children is now…ovah

-and using your bedroom skills to keep the man or woman there with what little physical connection is left….

Hey *holding hands the air* don’t shoot the messenger.  The time and energy we spend in trying to make “that which is not” work with current boyfriends/girlfriends and spouses as well as the comingling of friendships can be exhausting and bare unnecessary emotional weight.  I am penning this blog post because I have been on the offenders’ end of attempting to force A LOVE with a man that was no longer IN LOVE with me.  And the offended end through being shoved by women who meant well, to have Ya-Ya Sisterhood moments {great movie by the way…reminds me of my relationship with my mother} with other females whose names I only learned five minutes prior to wanting to hold  hands and cry together WTH!? *shrugging shoulders*

No! I am not a frigid witch that walks into social situations with friends; mutual and non-mutual wearing a facial expression that gives off the look that something stinks, nor am I discouraging fighting towards make a relationship and/or marriage work.  I am simply stating don’t force that which has expired or shove platonic connections with your girlfriends.  Let chemistry with a current or potential boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and associations that could develop into a friendship run their course. Just DON’T FORCE IT.

Saluté,

San, The Red Head

All the Single Mommies

Relationships are definitely not easy, but when a child is involved it becomes even more delicate. We have to be careful of every decision we make.  Making sure that we give our children the right amount of attention and still being able to make time for ourselves to have fun.  As a single mother, I find it especially challenging not to feel guilty when I go out with my friends and leave my child with the sitter. Now let me be the first to say, that I’m a Damn good mother and my son has everything he needs, but I still can’t help but feel some kinda way, when I want to hang out and just be me. I know I’m not the only single parent that feels this way. I know I’m probably over thinking this, but hell, this is what I go through and you probably do too.  

Someone, who shall remain anonymous, once told me that I shouldn’t go out and expect to find someone, especially since I’m already a mother. My response was, when and where in the hell am I supposed to meet someone to potentially spend my life with, if I don’t go out and mingle. Just because I’m a single mother doesn’t mean my life is over. I’m still worthy of true love. However, the problem is finding someone worthy of investing my time. Now don’t get me wrong, when I say worthy…I mean someone who is honest in their intentions. What most men don’t understand is that the stakes are higher for us as single mothers.  

No, I’m not looking for a father or provider for my child because he has one already, however, I have to be careful because I can’t just have any Tom, Dick or Harry or Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky or Mike and Ralph around my child...Bwahahaha! I want someone that’s willing to be serious about our friendship and possible relationship. A person who likes to go out, but also doesn’t mind having my child around once we get to know each other better and who will treat me and my child with kindness and respect.  If I take the time to introduce you to my son, it means that I think very highly of you as a human being. My point is, it’s not easy being a single parent, whether you are mommy or daddy, therefore don’t feel guilty when you step out to have a little adult time, just be careful of who you allow in your life because it’s not just about you anymore.

Cheers, 

Jenn

The Write Off

 {via}

Ok people, that time of the year has come and gone...Tax Time, and being a newly single mother I have been hit with the big question. “Can I get some of your tax refund?” ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! Now, I know I’m not the only woman who has been hit with this question. If you’re not familiar with this, being able to claim your child adds on to your tax deductions and depending on your tax situation, this can mean a substantial tax refund. Single women, have you ever noticed that around this time of year we start to see an increase of guys who all of a sudden find you very attractive. Now I know I’m cute, not being arrogant, however, I’m not getting caught up in that trap. All of a sudden you want to be bothered because it’s tax time and then once I help you out of the goodness of my heart, you want to start acting like a jackass and I have to cut you out of my life. Then I’m out of a man and my money. Not happening here, because when I need your help with bills or childcare, you’re nowhere to be found. I thank God I don’t fall for that mess, Momma didn’t raise no fool! However, there are plenty of women that fall for these shenanigans and I’m here to say ladies, make sure you use your money wisely. It’s not going to last forever and if you start giving it to some man who’s not going to be around after it’s gone, then you’re the one that will be assed out in the end.

                                                              

Cheers!

Jenn